The Full Life

Well Here I Am

2011-10-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

Looks like I made it! Getting close to finishing up my first month at Washington Hospital in Fremont, CA. It's definitely been a long road. After graduating, it seemed like I would never be hired. In fact, I took a position at a school district working with students with medical needs to hold me over and pay the bills. Turns out it was a great experience. I got to work with a lot of students who have mental and physical handicaps. I learned a lot about them and about me. Plus it gave me the opportunity to complete one of my goals this year, travelling the world. I visited Luca and Zsofi in London, Eva in Brighton, Jenny and Jana in Vienna, took a day trip to Slovakia, worked three camps in Hungary, and ended my trip with a weekend visiting Levi and Csenge (and their awesome familiy) in Budapest-including a trip to the famous Lake Balaton. My love for travel was set ablaze once again and I was ready to come back home, get a job, get experience and pay off loans so I could once again travel the world.

Lo and behold (not really sure what this 'lo' business is all about, but anywho) I made the cut of 25 new hires out of 1100 applicants at Washington Hospital. A true answer to prayer. Now I am learning, being challenged and stretched every day. Washington does 8 hour shifts; that means 5 days a week. To be honest, I'm not too keen on working 5 days a week; but for now I will embrace it and realize I am incredibly blessed to have a great job in this terrible market.

So what's next? That's the big question. Not even sure what this next year's theme will be. (If you cocked your head sideways to that one, I theme my years, starting about 5 years back. I find it helps me with goals, keeps me motivated, and well it's just fun. Working backwards from this very year: The Year of New Beginnings, The Year of Completion, The Year of Adventure, The Year of Mystery, all spawning from the Year of Shaun.) So what is next? I haven't quite decided yet. I do know that it will be a year of a lot of work. I have a lot of experience to obtain, a lot of student loans to pay off and a reputation as a an excellent nurse to build. But I still have a couple months to decide.

Looking forward 2 years down the road it's wide open. I could cut down to part time to allow frequent travel. Or I could move out of the country for awhile, possible working for an international organization doing nursing or who knows what. I just know that I need to experience the world. I've seen so little, yet that little piece of the world has captured my heart and I want more. So I'll continue to chip away at my language learning, continue learning at my job, and continue dreaming of endless adventures awaiting the day I step away from familiarity and routine. Until then, keep dreaming.

The Year of New Beginnings

2011-02-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

2011: The Year of New Beginnings. I'm finally done with that giant hurdle called 'school' (at least for now), I've tackled the NCLEX and have emerged with my nursing license. Now I sit in a place of uncertainty. As I scour the state for anyone willing to hire a 'new grad' I have no idea where I might end up. It might even have to be out of state. Yet even through the countless applications that seem to get me nowhere, I know that I will get there one day, and that I will look back on these times in awe. I also have another item of adventure within my grasp, a short jaunt to Ukraine to encourage some people there and to help out with whatever may be needed. Planning a trip to Eastern Europe without a steady-paying job is a risky venture, one I have yet to fully decide one way or the other. Also, there is the possibility of getting an interview or even hired, completely clashing with these plans. I suppose it's a good dilemma to have--either go travel the world doing what you love, or land a job. I would like to accomplish both; and in fact, those are my two main goals for this year. I also tossed out a resume to the local school district for a health-related position: another mystery whose end we know not. One thing is certain through all of this, and that is that the Full Life is still being strongly lived and it is what I will continue to do, jobless or full-time, across the world or at home, on a rock wall or just hanging out with people I care about. The Full Life--it's about to get a whole lot fuller.

2009 in retrospect

2009-12-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

But a few days remain for the year 2009; a year never to be lived nor experienced again. Every year I learn more and more about life, about myself, about what really matters amidst the craziness from day to day. I have more of a grasp now more than ever on who I am and what I want out of life, but feel as though I only live up to that a mere fraction of the time. I realize more and more how crazy life really is, how many variables come our way and how there is really no way to plan out your life. All you really have control over is who you decide to be and be that person no matter where life takes you. I used to think I could figure it out--plan it like a good book. The problem I encountered was that I wasn't the only author to my story, and I couldn't control what other people wrote. All I could do was respond.

I've planned many things in my life, many of which have born fruit, and many more which have crumbled beneath a shoddy foundation of poor motivations. But I learned so much from all that and continue to learn from the things and the people that are part of my life. The good thing is that I like who I am becoming and am excited about the mystery of life ahead of me. God has shown me that even the things I think impossible for my life are some of the very things in store for me. Life to the Full is easy to say, much more difficult to live; but I will continue to strive after a full life despite the roadblocks and insufficiencies of myself.

Untitled

2009-12-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in so long I feel as though I've forgotten how to express my thoughts. But I will make an attempt anyhow. I'm at an interesting place in life right now. In another week I'll be done with school for 2009 and heading into my last year. 2010 is pretty much layed out for me. It is in fact the Year of Completion (if you didn't know I'm finishing up the Year of Adventure); and that really makes me think. In 2011 I'll be heading into a completely different stage in my life. I'll have a "real" job (hopefully), I could be living anywhere in the US depending on the job market, and it kind of means that I have to grow up. But what does that even mean? What does that mean for me? Life really could go in any direction. I'll be at a point where really anything is possible.

Some say it's a small world but I say the world is huge, and I want to experience it. I've gotten but a small taste of the world beyond the "bubble" and I want more. I really love where I live right now, but I don't want to stay here forever. There's something inside of me that wants to go; but where? And it's not an easy thing either. The Bay Area is the highest paying area in the country for nurses, by a lot. But I don't want to get stuck at a "great job" making way more money than I would know what to do with (although right now a couple bucks would be nice :) and finding myself going after a piece of the "American Dream". That just doesn't seem like me. Ideally, I could work a year here, pay off my student loans, and then I'm free to do whatever I want (within the limits of the natural laws of course). But what do I want? That's the kicker. Do I want to find a wife, have kids....that seems both terribly amazing and frightening. Do I want to travel the world (yes), but how, where, with whom (proper use of whom?), for how long? I look around me and a lot of people my age, even a lot younger than me, have their lives "figured out". I feel like I'm a little late to the party, but then again, I don't really want to have my life "figured out" yet. There's so much to see, so much to do, to experience.

So that's where I'm at. Finishing the Year of Adventure (still have a few more before year's end), going into the Year of Completion, and then stepping out into the unknown world of the Year of New Beginnings. It's exciting, it's amazing, it's scary, and it's definitely full.

Chillin in my flat

2009-07-19T07:29:00.001-07:00

So I am able to stay at the guest house, which is a three room flat three floors up. And I am the only one here. It’s incredible. I’ll be sleeping in the big room which has two bunk beds, a couch and an eating area. All this for $15 a night. This is an undeserved blessing from God. I was a little nervous about coming to Budapest because I didn’t know, well anything. So I’m pretty stoked. I’m going to tour the city a little, get some food and go to the young adult church service tonight. And maybe I’ll take a nap too!

In Budapest

2009-07-19T07:26:00.001-07:00

So its (let me think for a minute) Sunday and I’m in Budapest. I decided to go with the Ohio team and hang out with them their last day. We got in town around noon yesterday and it was hot! We checked in to the Marco Polo hostel, which was very nice. Us three guys were in a triple and the ladies in a quad room. We went to look around the city and a couple hours later the winds picked up and the temperature dropped considerably. We were joking around that it was going to rain on us and we would sing “Grace like rain”; and then that’s what happened. It was pretty amusing. We ate at a really good pizza place, which was really warm as well (it was freezing outside). He headed out to the Danube to take a peak, and then went to McDonalds (yes McDonalds) to get some hot coffee. Then we headed back to the hostel and hung out till about 1am. We watched all of the videos from the previous weeks and pretty much laughed all night. I think being with the Ohio team has been one of the most encouraging parts of this whole trip. We fed off each other’s energy. I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long time. Just thinking about some of the things, like the puppet skit, the talent show, riding in the van packed 15 full singing worship songs, it all makes me smile. Another cool thing, just before we left for Budapest from Dorcas, someone gave Dr. Eger (the head of the Ohio team) a 5000 forint note (about $25) to pay my transportation cost. And then at pizza they covered me with their team money. It was a real blessing. I don’t know where I will stay tonight, at the hostel or at the Calvary Chapel guest house (nicer and cheaper). I just talked to Bruce here at the church (I’m waiting for the service to start) and he will find me after to see if I can stay. It’s interested being all alone here in Budapest. It’s exciting. I have to figure out a lot of things such as housing and transportation to the airport at 5am! I found out this morning that my phone alarm doesn’t work because it can’t track the time. So I woke up at 9:50, with check out at 10. With a shower I was only 2 minutes late! So I might have to pull an all-nighter Monday night just so I don’t miss my plane. We’ll see. Pray for that whole situation. It’s been a really good, fulfilling, encouraging faith-building trip that has and will continue to change me. But it’s not quite over yet. See everyone back home soon.

Coming to an End

2009-07-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s the last full day here at Dorcas camp. It has been an amazing week getting to know all the students and volunteers. We taught a lot of English, learned some Hungarian, listened to some really inspiring testimonies, sang a lot of worship songs, did a ton of skits, played signs, mafia, blitz, foci (soccer) and much more. I’ve been really encouraged by how the students have connected with us and want to hang out with us during their free time. Even the ones who know only a little English try hard to make conversation and ask about our lives. God has used Dorcas camp to change the lives of hundreds of people and I can see those results and also the work that is being done now. I don’t feel like I’m halfway around the world. I’m used to not being able to understand conversations right next to me, although I am picking up on words and phrases more and more each day. The great thing about the body of Christ is that I feel at home away from home. I’m going to miss the people that I have been serving with here. I feel that a big part of my purpose here was to encourage the other teams along with the campers, and in that I have been immensely encouraged as well. There has been a lot of laughing and a lot of smiles with nothing lacking but sleep. Pray for the rest of our time here. We all leave Saturday after breakfast. I’m not sure if I’m going back to Mikepercs with Russ or heading to Budapest with the Ohio team to hang out with them for the day. My plane doesn’t leave till Tuesday so I have a few days. It would be nice to be in Budapest already for my flight home and not be three hours away in Mikapercs. I’d throw up some pics but the internet here is incredibly slow, but hey, I’m glad to have it.

At Dorcas

2009-07-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday and we just arrived at Dorcas camp where we will have English camp until next Saturday. It's been so fun and amazing here. I'm working with Russ and Joe, who work for Good Sports, Kristin from VBC, and a team from Cedarville, OH who are pretty awesome people. Last night we were hanging out at the church in Debrecen and they all surprised me with a cake that had what seemed to be a torch on top and sang happy birthday to me in Hungarian. It was really nice of everyone and although it was ackward for everyone to be singing to me I really appreciated it. It was a lot of fun.

We went back to the refuegee camp today and saw a lot of the same kids.

They were really excited to see us and we got some great pictures and videos. We were there again to analyze needs in the camp and to figure out what we could do and what future teams could do to impact these peoples' lives. The kids there are so cute. All the little boys were hanging off my arms and I was picking them up and swinging them around. This one little girl kept poking me and then would point to someone else like they had done it. These kids need a lot of love and were so happy that we were just there, even though they had no idea who we were or what we were doing. It was also so amazing all the different languages they were speaking and me trying to communicate with them in my broken German (which most of the people from Kosovo speak).

Yesterday was our last day in Mikapercs and we put on a performance for the village and the kids' parents. We sang some songs and us Americans performed the Everything skit that went really well. I hope to post it on facebook when I get a decent internet connection. Things are a little slower here in Hungary :) There is a high school student that we met a few nights ago, Zsolt, who we met at dinner (he got a mass email that the Americans were in town and he decided to meet us). He played flag football with us the night after, and last night he came to the church youth group to hang out. We talked him into coming to English camp and the Ohio team is paying his way. He is not a Christian but we have made an impression on him and God has definitely planted a seed. Please pray for him this week.

Also pray for me that I will have energy. I'm wiped out but still in great spirits. We are going out to Debrecen tonight for dinner, the team from Texas gets in later on, and English camp kids arrive tomorrow. Its going to be a full week ;)

Tuesday

2009-07-10T02:11:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was like Monday in that we held English camp in the morning and met up with the kids at the sports playa in the afternoon. But Tuesday night we went to a Roma church. The Roma in Hungary (and throughout the world) have been despised and persecuted for a long time. They are mostly poor, living in incredibly small homes without electricity or running water and many do not have jobs. They have the reputation of being thieves and beggars and are physically segregated from the rest of society.

The church was very small and only had two rooms, a worship room a little bigger than my bedroom and a kids room the size of my bathroom. And when church started, it was packed full. We did worship in Hungarian and it was great. I could tell that the people were happy to be there and that we were there as well. After worship we put on a puppet show for the kids. It was the story of Zaccheus (which I played). The kids loved it and were laughing for most of the time. I’m not sure if they got the message (which was explained afterwards) but I’m sure they felt important and loved (which I’m told they don’t get much of that at home). It was kind of like being at the refugee camp—no discipline, every man for himself, and was kind of disheartening. These kids grow up in poverty and violence and are hated for just being Roma. They definitely need the grace and compassion of God in their lives, and many in this community have already given their lives to Christ. But a lot of work still needs to be done. Prayer for that community is greatly needed.

Monday

2009-07-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

Monday was our first day of the Mikapercs English camp. We met in the village square and started playing games to get kids to join us. We played hook ‘em up tag and some other games and then went to the church. We all stayed together for the first part—we played games, taught the kids a song (One Way, Jesus) and then broke up into age groups for English lessons. The group I was in knew very little English so we started with a name game, added hobbies and went into numbers. After class we met back up in the big room with everyone, sang some more songs and broke for lunch.

After lunch we met the kids on the sports field to play games, eat watermelon and have one of our team members share a story about their lives and God. It was a successful day and I think it really set a precedent for the week ahead of us. After a few hours on the sports field we went back to the Ovoda (kindergarten where we are staying), washed up, rested and headed to dinner. Then it was off to the Debrecen refugee camp.

Our purpose for going to the refugee camp was to assess the needs there and see what we could do in the immediate future (this week) for these people and what could be done long term. We were told about the camp, what to do and what not to do and tried to be prepared for it. Basically, refugees from all over (Kosovo, Iran, Afghanistan, Congo, Albania) who were fleeing political, religious and economic persecution were waiting at this camp trying to get papers. When we showed up we immediately got a following from the kids who were just running around on their own. We went inside a building about a hundred feet long and forty feet wide and set up a movie for the kids (Chronicles of Narnia). Tons of kids came and sat down for the film as well as some older people. I started talking to the kids, trying to find out where they were from and what languages they spoke. A lot of them spoke German as a second or third language (these kids were under ten years old) and I was able to find out were they were from and how old they were. It seemed pretty controlled until we brought out a box of popcorn. We tried to get the kids lined up but they charged me who was holding the box and Russ who was passing the bags out. Kids were pushing each other, ripping the box, stealing popcorn from each other and fighting over it. It got kind of scary even though these were little kids, there were a lot of them. The chaos didn’t stop until the popcorn ran out. We learned a hard lesson. These people had nothing and when they saw something, they did everything they could to get it for themselves.

Throughout the movie I talked to several kids and older people. Some had been there for months, others over a year. They were fed two meals a day and thought the food was terrible. The living conditions were filthy with no cleaning supplies and many slept five to a room no bigger than a small bathroom. I met a lot guys from Afghanistan were fleeing the violence there. I met a family from the Congo who had been there for six months, a mother, her two daughters, 13 and 6, and her 4 yr. old son. Everyone wanted their picture taken, from the little kids to the older guys. They just wanted the attention I think. Also, the older people (19-23) wanted to know why we were there and really wanted to talk about the problems with the camp.

The refugee camp was a crazy place—kids running around hitting and kicking each other with no supervision, no discipline, every man for himself mentality in kids less than 8. There is nothing for these kids to do; only a handful of them are let into school, the rest have nothing. There is no language training, no job training, only waiting in uncertainty. It was also a place of great need for God. These people have nothing: no money, no jobs, no privacy, no hygiene, no way to leave to a better place. And it’s a scary place too. There is a police station in the camp but there are over 900 refugees, some good people, some bad people. We are planning on going back to the camp this week before we head off to the English camp at Dorcas. Please pray that we would be impactful and safe. There is a need for constant visits to the refugee camp to build relationships and show these people the love of Christ. Please pray for that as well.

Back from Miskolc

2009-07-03T06:37:00.001-07:00

I got into the Miskolc orphanage from Budapest around 10pm on Tuesday night. I got cleaned up and said hi to some of the kids who were watching Signs in Hungarian. Then it was off to bed. Over the next two days, we did activities with the younger kids who just wanted to beat me up, make me do handstands and backflips, and shoot me with water guns. It was a lot of fun. I really connected with the younger kids and I miss having them around already. I shared a story about my life and how John 10:10 relates to it. (That's the one about Life to the Full). We slept downstairs in the basement which was pretty fun!

Today, Friday, we were at Russ' house in Mikapercs, a village of about 4000. The morning was pretty relaxed. We met the Mosquitoes baseball team (about 10 teenagers) at a local pizzaria and hung out there for a couple hours. Then we headed to the Mikapercs church to practice a skit for the village (they have summer performances in the village square and we had a few minutes to promote the upcoming baseball and English camps). It was pretty amusing. We hung out there for a little bit and now we're back at Russ' house kicking back (although I really want to go for a coffee!). It's almost 7pm here, everyone is pretty tired, but I'm wide awake (maybe it's because of the Flying Energy drink I had earlier). I'll check back in soon!

In Hungary

2009-07-02T12:09:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it! I’m sitting on a train right now headed to Miskolc. It has been a long day. I was at the BART station at 2pm June 29, flew out of SFO at 6:50pm, landed in London at 1:00 pm the 30^th, and landed in Budapest at 6:00pm. Here’s the thing though; the plane to London was so small and there was no room for anything that I did not sleep at all! And there was no time to sleep on the flight to Budapest—I’ll get to that in a second. Now I’m on the train, its 9pm and I am tired! But all is amazing and I am so grateful and excited to be here.

So about my travels: I and others were praying for a specific thing for the flights—that I would make friends on the plane and not be bored out of my mind! So I get onto the plane at SFO and find out I am sitting between a guy and a girl, both probably in their early twenties. I sit down for a couple minutes and realized that these people were not ones to reach out; so I did. First I turned to the guy, Chris, and found out he was traveling to Finland for the first time. We talked for a couple minutes and then the plane started take off. Then I turned to the girl and asked where she was going. Turns out she was French and was heading back to Paris where she lives. She had just come from visiting her brother in San Francisco. Of course the conversation immediately switched to speaking in French and I don’t think I have to tell anyone how excited I was about that! So for the whole flight, I was talking back and forth with these two people, and even after the flight we stuck together until after getting through security in London.

Then on my flight to Budapest, I was sitting next to two girls, one who was part of a missions organization going to Debrecen to minister to refugees there, and the other a native Hungarian. We started talking about Hungary, the language, God, what Christianity means, I got a lot of good Hungarian language tips. It was perfect! I was so uplifted by my travels, even though I had not gotten a wink of sleep, that when I and Lili (who was helping me to get on the train I am on now) were running all around Budapest trying to find the right bus to the right train and it was hot and I was tired and sweaty, even through all that I’m still in a great mood and excited to God move even bigger and more astounding than He already has. Thank you all for your prayers and support. The best has yet to come.

Hungary '09

2009-06-28T15:55:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow I embark on the summer of a lifetime! I fly out to Hungary where I will be spending time with young kids up to young adults. We'll be playing sports, doing Bible studies, I'll be teaching them English, they'll be teaching me Hungarian : ) In the past month I've learned over 1000 Hungarian words and phrases to try and be able to connect better with the people there. I got to tell you, Hungarian is not an easy language. But I suppose it parallels the difficulty of reaching a people with a completely different upbringing and culture than myself, and highlights the need for God to surround this entire endeavor. I am excited for several reasons. I'm excited to see the faces I met on my last journey to Hungary; I'm excited for all the new faces whom I don't know but will soon be friends of mine; I'm excited for the challenge of ministering to kids with broken pasts and shaky futures; I'm excited to put my Hungarian skills to the test; and I'm excited for what God will do in my own life. I've learned to not expect specific things for these kinds of adventures, but to just expect God to move powerfully. Hopefully I will be able to publish updates while I am away so check back from time to time. I'll return July 21 and on July 24 I take off for five weeks in North Carlolina to help out with an international camp there. Pray for my time in both places. It's going to be amazing!

Kai, Earl, Donna and Linda, Robert...all people who God used to teach me a little about life

2008-09-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

It was Friday night and and I was standing in UN square in San Francisco trying to keep warm. I was with a group of people from New Hope church, and we were meeting up with others from around the area for Night Strike, a bi-weekly event put on by City Ministries to feed and pray for the homeless. I had only done something remotely like this before many years ago in Oakland. I went with a group from Valley Bible Church (before I lived with Tim and attended VBC) to City Teams to help with passing out food. There was a service in the City Teams building, then a cafeteria type setting the next room over. After helping out with food, we went outside and hung out with the homeless who were there. Back then, sorry to say, I was uncomfortable around these people and didn't know quite what to say. But that was many years ago, and here I was stepping out of my comfortable bubble, not really knowing what to expect. (In life I have learned to not expect anything in particular, because it always turns out differently than I would have thought, but only to expect that God will move and it will be a grand experience).

We had a worship session outside and then broke off into groups. Ours was led by Kate, and consisted of about eight people. So off we went into the dark sidewalks of the Tenderloin. To be honest I was a little nervous, partially about praying for people I didn't know, and partially about safety (we did have a few homeless people warn us about the crazies out there). We ran into a lot of people that night, and most were extremely grateful for us being out there. One of the first guys we ran into was super nice and encouraging. In his experiences on the streets, he saw that no one really cared about the homeless. But the City Ministries presence was known and stood out. He said it was a real blessing.

We got so much positive feedback in the short amount of time we were out there. Two ladies, Donna and Linda walked by us as we were passing out food. They then turned around and as we offered them food we started talking. They were so encouraged by our smiling faces and that we were out there serving them. These ladies were going through some tough times (I can't even imagine being homeless in a crime ridden area) and the girls on our team prayed for them. I could tell that their night was a little better because they saw God's love in action. We ran into a family with a baby girl and they were trying to find a place to sleep for the night (keep in mind it was about 11pm). We ran into people who asked for prayer and others who prayed for us. The longer we were out there the more comfortable I became, still watching out of course, and the more my heart grew for those on the streets.

We ran into a lot of brokenness, a lot of hurt, and a lot of hope. I could tell something inside of me had changed. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I now had a greater perspective, and a lot of my "assumptions" about the homeless were proven wrong by interactions with real people who I learned a lot from. I want to go back, and hopefully I can run into some of the same people I saw and maybe start to build some friendships. Now there are names to those on the streets and they are not something I can turn my head and ignore. I have a lot of growing to do in my faith, and I see this ministry as an opportunity to do so. Every other Friday City Ministries is out there, feeding and praying for downtrodden, the lost, and the hopeful, and I plan to join them as often as I can.

Done Living

2008-07-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Two Sundays ago at church really struck something inside of me. Justin McRoberts was a guest speaker (if you don't know he is a Christian music artist). His main message was to introduce Compassion International, a Christian charitable organization that sponsors children in impoverished nations. As part of his message he sang a few of his songs, one in particular stood out more than the others. It was titled 'Done Living'. The chorus of the song goes like this:

"You see the question isn't are you going to suffer any more, but what will it have meant when you are through? The question isn’t are you going to die, you’re going to die, but will you be done living when you do?”

The question really hit me; if I died tomorrow, would I be done living? Would people look back at my life and say that it was full, that it was not a wasted life. When I evaluate that question myself, I can't say that it would be. I have changed and grown so much over the past year and a half that it still continues to amaze me. Yet when I really sit down and dig deep and ask myself, 'am I living the full life, a life full of God, full of love, full of selflessness, full of joy; am I full?', I would not be able to say yes. There are definitely moments in my life where I live this out, but as a whole, I am not there. It's not so much a somber thought as it is an eye opening one. Where is my life right now, and where is it going? Why am I not living out life as it was meant to be? It's amazing how we as people tend to forget what God has brought us through and where He has brought us from, and focus on the insignificant current frustrations of life of the present.

I leave in two weeks to spend six days in the mountains at a high school camp, where my job is to portray the love of Christ to kids who have never known it, and to show them that the full life is the only life worth living.

I came into this world full of life, full of hope, full of dreams.

And slowly over the years I allowed the world to strip me of these things.

Every step taken, every success made, every worldly gain,

Brought me no more closer to joy or peace or rest, but instead diseased me with pain.

And when I could no longer contain inside myself all the anger, hurt, fear and doubt; when I no longer had the strength to cope,

God ripped it out of me, every last bit, till I thought I was dead and was left with no hope.

But in that place and through those times, the conclusion that I drew,

Is that He loves me more than I could imagine, and that He really does make all things new.

And I will continue to fight to hold on, to embrace God as my life, my hopes and my dreams, to continue to grow from that deep planted seed.

For I was created to be a light, an encouragement, a reflection, a friend; and when I get to the end I will say it with a smile, I have lived the full life, I am done living indeed.

Year 25 in reflection

2008-07-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Two days until I will have spent 26 years on this earth. I suppose the thing to do is reflect on this past year. I have to say it's been an amazing adventure. It started off with me in summer school after about four years of not taking classes. (Wow, that's a long time!) I was a year into working real estate at a condominium sales project in Fremont. I learned alot working in a business atmosphere, but mostly that I hated sales and business. After swearing off school for four years I decided to go back and do nursing. I quit my job, signed up for anatomy and started working at The Bridges as a server. And the craziest thing happened. I loved school. I had so much fun that summer, spending five days a week five hours a day in class, practice labs on the weekends, and studying for hours and hours during the week. I soaked up every bit of it and became more and more excited about school. After five weeks of intense anatomy, school got out and within days I was off to YL camp. A few days before camp I was told I would be a leader for a bunch of kids from Livermore (whom I had never met). I was a little nervous to be sure, but I went with it. The bus ride up was a little awckward but by the end of the first day at camp I had made some amazing connections with my small group and the other guys in my cabin. That week turned out to be a huge encouragement in my life. Its like part of me had been dead for years, a result of letting life beat me up, but I became fully alive then and there. Something in me switched on and I have never been the same since. That was one of the best summers of my life.

The school year went on and I continued to love it, make new friends, and push on through. An opportunity came up in January to go to Colorado--I was in and it was amazing! That trip set in me an undeniable desire to do a missions trip (I had never done anything like it before). A month or so later I learned about a trip to Hungary, and my life will never be the same because of it (seems like thats a constant theme in my life).

So here I am, two days away from my birthday, two and half weeks away from YL camp, and three and half weeks away from travelling the US by car with three good buddies. I have allowed my life to become more of an adventure and now I'm addicted. I have new dreams and desires and get excited every day about what's to come.

Everyone has those things in their life that makes their heart come alive, and I have begun to find what those things are for me. I used to think it was in physical adventure, pushing myself past boundaries and limits, hanging off cliffs, falling out of the skies; but those things never satisfied. It's when I'm around people that I come alive, it's when I get the opportunity to be who I am in situations I've never been in. The adventure is not what you're doing, its who you're doing it with. And so I get ready to begin another year of life, with no clue of where it's going to take me.

A chance to sit, a time to think

2008-04-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've sat and thought. Ever since late last month when I left with a team to travel to Hungary, I've been running, and running hard. Life seems to progress so slowly, yet fly by so fast. There is so much on my mind as I sit here; but there is not enough time in my busy (full) life to share it all. I think the most logical and interesting thing to share is my experiences in and with Hungary. So let's back it up to a few months before Hungary. I had just come out of the 'Year of Shaun' (see previous BLOGs) and was ready to experience life in a much fuller way than I had lived in the past. Before, I had passed up on so many opportunities, all for 'legitimate' reasons yet always feeling like I was missing out on something bigger. Although I filled my life with 'extremeness' and adventure, I was bored out of my mind. On the outside my life was anything but mundane--jumping out of airplanes, running face first down cliffs, pushing my body to the limits (and past the limits). But inside I was dying. And it took a huge disappointment in my life to make me realize that there was so much more...

So jumping ahead, because I had missed out on so much in the past, I was determined to go for it from then on-no matter how much money I didn't have or how much time wasn't available. An opportunity came to go to Colorado--I was in. If I had looked at the situation logically, I would have stayed home. December and January at work was painfully slow--but it didn't stop me. I think from then on I changed (if you haven't seen the Colorado video check it out on my Facebook or youtube under my name). I realized that life makes a whole lot more sense when you can get a bigger perspective on things and when you can experience more of God's creation. Long story less long, after Colorado I felt a strong desire to go on a missions trip out of the country. How? I had no idea. I still didn't have any money, there was nothing on the horizon, but the desire was there and it was strong. So amazingly enough the first time I heard about an opportunity to go to Hungary, I was in. I had no money, I was in school, but I was so in. It was like God planted a desire in my heart and let it sit there for a little while, and then He came to harvest that desire. It wasn't even a question in my heart; I wanted to go and if God provided a way, I was going.

The first hurdle was school. Although the trip took place on everyone elses' spring break, it was a week after mine. So I went around to all my teachers and one by one brought the idea up to them. I couldn't afford to suffer grade-wise since I was trying to get into nursing school. My chem teachers loved the idea and said they would work with me to make everything up. My sociology teacher said I would be fine. My nutrition teacher said no way--midterm was during that week, and she wouldn't let me make it up. So I kissed nutrition goodbye (probably why I still eat at Taco Bell and drink Rockstars!) Second hurdle was money--I had none. But I wouldn't let that get in my way. I had the deposit money so for $100 I secured myself a spot on the trip and committed to paying for a plane ticket. I knew that God would come through somehow, either with more work, donations, I didn't know how, but I knew. The first help came from a general donation to the trip; I got $250. Then a buddy, Matt Teres, called me and asked if I wanted to do some work for a lady in our church. I took up the offer and was paid an incredibly generous amount to do some moving for her. That earned me another few hundred which I tossed down on the trip. The last bit came in the day before the rest of the money was due, $650 from an anonymous donation. I was blown away! It was really amazing to see how God provided for me in so many different ways.

But, this is a BLOG about Hungary, so let's get on with it. (Unfortunately, like before, time is flying by fast right now and I just don't have enough of it. I'm juggling deciding which nursing school to go to, all the things I need to do, tests, work, friends, trying to learn all kinds of crazy languages...! What I'm trying to say is this story will be broken up into a few parts; and this part is finished.) Bonsoir, Buenas noches, Jó éjszakát, Good night :)

An adventure lived, A story to be told.

From across the world, A magnificence to behold.

For those beforehand whom I did not know,

Brought more to my life, and caused it to grow.

I stepped off these shores and God planted a seed.

So far away yet so close indeed.

And if Life to the Full was just a phrase,

My soul would not laugh, and my lips not give praise.

Hungary

2008-03-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

I'll be in Hungary on an outreach missions trip until the 31st. Check out the trip blog which I will be updating as much as possible at www.vbcoutreach.blogspot.com

How to eat a fork

2008-02-23T21:04:00.000-08:00

What happens when you cross a creative mind with a photographic genius? You get something like this. Here's how Friday went. Justin calls me up, "Hey do you have a meat cleaver?". I knew there was an adventure at hand. The project that needed to be completed was on utensils, and Justin needed some help. I came over and we started to take pictures with me holding the meat cleaver in one hand and a tiny fork in the other with an empty plate in the middle. It just wasn't working. After a few times trying different angles we gave the idea up and started thinking. How can you make utensils interesting? You could make a picture out of them, you could build something with them; all good ideas but nothing that really hit home. Then the idea came out of the recesses of my mind. I turned to Lynn, "Do you have any old silverware that you wouldn't mind getting ruined?". They both looked at me with inquisitive faces. "Why not cut up a bunch of utensils, put them on a plate, and make it look like something is going to eat it?" The idea was sold immediately and off we went into the garage to do what men love to do--destroy things! So for about a half hour we bent, sawed, and hammered all the silverware Lynn gave us, all the while with big smiles on our faces, and arranged them on to a plate. (And yes, there was a little bloodshed when a piece of a knife that Justin was breaking attacked him.) We then topped it off by making a place setting with a saw, a pair of pliers, and two wrenches. Think about it, if you're going to be eating silverware you got to have some heavy duty utensils to do it with. And there it was; an abstract idea using utensils that we were both pretty excited about. And even though I was supposed to be studying and writing all day, the hours I spent at Justin's were not a waste; it was another day of living life to the full.

Young Life Leader Retreat, February 1-3

2008-02-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 5:14

“Awake you who sleep,
Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light.”

I sit here, in front of a raging fire, surrounded outside by snow as it falls so peacefully from the skies to cover everything beneath it. The sound of millions of snowflakes blanketing the earth over countless hours barely exists, yet its effect is extraordinary. I almost didn’t come here this weekend. I had good reasons—a shift at work that I couldn’t afford to miss, unable to go snowboarding with the rest of my team all day Saturday, and my heart slowly dying over the past week—so what was the point? Blinded by apathy, I resolved not to go. But something in me was torn. After our Thursday night team bible study, a small part of my soul was sparked. I wrestled with the idea and finally called a co-worker to cover my shift. I was in; I wasn’t going to miss out like so many years past.

So here I am. This morning, after everyone left for boarding, I sat by the fire, looking out onto more snow than I think I have ever seen, and was brought to tears, moved from the fact that I awoke this morning among friends I don’t deserve, that I could come here and sit in the stillness of God’s creation and be filled with peace, that anonymous people donated money so that I could miss work and instead be here, and from the constant realization that God continues to chase after my heart. And as I get ready to sit down for a meal with family, my heart is warmed, and I feel alive.

More than a winter wonderland...

2008-01-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

I stand in the cold and my breath escapes me; not only from the thinness of the air and the freezing wind in my face, but more so from the amazing beauty that surrounds me. Snow covered mountains tower into the frozen skies as I stare in amazement of God's creation. I am in a place like I have never been before, surrounded by wonders I had only dreamed of in the past, and surrounded by incredible people whose very words bring a smile to my face and encourage even the last bits of worry out of my life. To be surrounded by genuine people who care about me and are more real than most in this world is a gift too great for my deserving. To sing out to God morning and night in worship and see His glory all around me brings tears my eyes and rest to my wearied soul. While I am nothing more than a speck of dust in a universe far too vast for my mind to comprehend, the God who created it all reaches down and places me here, now, with these people, and I am overcome by the thought. And while troubles were to be had, and sleep was a luxury I could not afford, I could think of no better way to spend these days surrounded by beauty, surrounded by love, and with a peace in my heart that I would never trade.

The year of Shaun

2008-01-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Psalm 50:15 "Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory."

Last year was the hardest, most ridiculous, and best year of my life. I had known there were things that were killing me inside but I didn’t want to confront them. Besides, I had gotten this far in life and seemed to be doing okay. But there was problem; I wasn’t all right. Slowly, over the years, I was dying. I felt less and less free and my heart became less and less alive. No matter what I did in life it didn’t help the emptiness I knew was there. Adventure after adventure added to my possession memories that would last a lifetime, but filled the emptiness for but a few brief moments at a time—nothing that would ever last. Yet I kept pushing through and progressing in “life” just thinking that soon my whole world would change and everything would be different, everything would be better. But the problem with that whole scenario is that I was doing nothing that would lead to such changes. Twenty four years and the pain kept building and building so much that it was getting harder to hide it from the world. I kept trying to fix the broken pieces by gluing them together with temporary solutions, and everything would fall apart once more. I knew that something drastic needed to happen. Something bigger than myself, something I wasn’t ready for. And so I cried out to God to fix whatever it was that was wrong, to do anything to make it better. And so my prayers were answered, in a way I never imagined, and at the time in a way that I would never have wished on myself. In a moment my heart was exposed, and everything that I had hid away in it surfaced. My whole world was rocked and everything I believed in and hoped for was instantly challenged. At the time I thought I had been defeated, but in reality I had been rescued, and was being brought into a life that was fuller than I could have ever imagined. When I was left stripped of everything I had tried to hold on to, I had only one hope, that God would turn it all around for good. Not only did that happen, but I realized that what I viewed as death at the time was actually one of the greatest gifts I had ever received.

How do you change a man, the way he thinks, the way he acts, the things he believes about himself? You break him down to nothing, and when he has nothing left, you build him back up the way he was created to be. You surround him with so much love he can’t help but to question the lies and doubts ingrained into his soul over the many years. From a broken pile of pain and doubts, God began to teach me about what really matters in life, about who I really was, and that He truly was there to catch my fall. Finding peace and comfort in pain is an experience unlike any other. To be broken and humbled before God is such an incredible feeling that makes it all worth it. And so my life today is a world away from my life a year ago. The year of Shaun has ended, and a new year begins. Living a different life and on a different path, only God knows where I’ll end up.

THE FULL LIFE

I have been a broken man for many years, never knowing it

I have spent a lifetime chasing after the wrong things for happiness, and had never caught it

I have lived with the fear and doubt from many lies engrained into my soul

I have been lost behind a cloud of anger and frustration so thick I could not see

I have been stripped of everything I thought I had, and believed I was left for dead

I have cried out to the God of the heavens and have been answered with a mighty roar

I have been surrounded by a love so great it broke down every last part of me

I have been brought to tears from indescribable joy

I have felt the peace that transcends all understanding

I have seen the impossible work of God in my life

I have been part of something so incredible I hardly believed it was happening

I have been blessed beyond anything I have ever deserved

I have lived the full life

Dashing through the snow

2008-01-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

As Ryan and Davin picked up the thick sheet of ice from the top of the bear locker, a mischievous grin emerged from their faces. What someone else would see as just a slab of ice, they saw as an opportunity to live the full life, to embrace an ordinary circumstance and make it extraordinary. I'm not quite sure how we think of the things we think about, but we always come up with ideas to make life more interesting, for us and for those around us. I wasn't quite sure what to expect as I ran towards what seemed like an impenetrable icy barricade, but I knew we had a camera at hand and a chance to create a memory that would last through the years. As we rammed our bodies through the walls of ice and tumbled onto the snow beneath, there was a sense that life was now a little fuller than a few seconds ago, and the day had just begun.