2009 in retrospect

But a few days remain for the year 2009; a year never to be lived nor experienced again. Every year I learn more and more about life, about myself, about what really matters amidst the craziness from day to day. I have more of a grasp now more than ever on who I am and what I want out of life, but feel as though I only live up to that a mere fraction of the time. I realize more and more how crazy life really is, how many variables come our way and how there is really no way to plan out your life. All you really have control over is who you decide to be and be that person no matter where life takes you. I used to think I could figure it out--plan it like a good book. The problem I encountered was that I wasn't the only author to my story, and I couldn't control what other people wrote. All I could do was respond.


I've planned many things in my life, many of which have born fruit, and many more which have crumbled beneath a shoddy foundation of poor motivations. But I learned so much from all that and continue to learn from the things and the people that are part of my life. The good thing is that I like who I am becoming and am excited about the mystery of life ahead of me. God has shown me that even the things I think impossible for my life are some of the very things in store for me. Life to the Full is easy to say, much more difficult to live; but I will continue to strive after a full life despite the roadblocks and insufficiencies of myself.

Untitled

I haven't written in so long I feel as though I've forgotten how to express my thoughts. But I will make an attempt anyhow. I'm at an interesting place in life right now. In another week I'll be done with school for 2009 and heading into my last year. 2010 is pretty much layed out for me. It is in fact the Year of Completion (if you didn't know I'm finishing up the Year of Adventure); and that really makes me think. In 2011 I'll be heading into a completely different stage in my life. I'll have a "real" job (hopefully), I could be living anywhere in the US depending on the job market, and it kind of means that I have to grow up. But what does that even mean? What does that mean for me? Life really could go in any direction. I'll be at a point where really anything is possible.

Some say it's a small world but I say the world is huge, and I want to experience it. I've gotten but a small taste of the world beyond the "bubble" and I want more. I really love where I live right now, but I don't want to stay here forever. There's something inside of me that wants to go; but where? And it's not an easy thing either. The Bay Area is the highest paying area in the country for nurses, by a lot. But I don't want to get stuck at a "great job" making way more money than I would know what to do with (although right now a couple bucks would be nice :) and finding myself going after a piece of the "American Dream". That just doesn't seem like me. Ideally, I could work a year here, pay off my student loans, and then I'm free to do whatever I want (within the limits of the natural laws of course). But what do I want? That's the kicker. Do I want to find a wife, have kids....that seems both terribly amazing and frightening. Do I want to travel the world (yes), but how, where, with whom (proper use of whom?), for how long? I look around me and a lot of people my age, even a lot younger than me, have their lives "figured out". I feel like I'm a little late to the party, but then again, I don't really want to have my life "figured out" yet. There's so much to see, so much to do, to experience.

So that's where I'm at. Finishing the Year of Adventure (still have a few more before year's end), going into the Year of Completion, and then stepping out into the unknown world of the Year of New Beginnings. It's exciting, it's amazing, it's scary, and it's definitely full.