Kai, Earl, Donna and Linda, Robert...all people who God used to teach me a little about life

It was Friday night and and I was standing in UN square in San Francisco trying to keep warm. I was with a group of people from New Hope church, and we were meeting up with others from around the area for Night Strike, a bi-weekly event put on by City Ministries to feed and pray for the homeless. I had only done something remotely like this before many years ago in Oakland. I went with a group from Valley Bible Church (before I lived with Tim and attended VBC) to City Teams to help with passing out food. There was a service in the City Teams building, then a cafeteria type setting the next room over. After helping out with food, we went outside and hung out with the homeless who were there. Back then, sorry to say, I was uncomfortable around these people and didn't know quite what to say. But that was many years ago, and here I was stepping out of my comfortable bubble, not really knowing what to expect. (In life I have learned to not expect anything in particular, because it always turns out differently than I would have thought, but only to expect that God will move and it will be a grand experience).


We had a worship session outside and then broke off into groups. Ours was led by Kate, and consisted of about eight people. So off we went into the dark sidewalks of the Tenderloin. To be honest I was a little nervous, partially about praying for people I didn't know, and partially about safety (we did have a few homeless people warn us about the crazies out there). We ran into a lot of people that night, and most were extremely grateful for us being out there. One of the first guys we ran into was super nice and encouraging. In his experiences on the streets, he saw that no one really cared about the homeless. But the City Ministries presence was known and stood out. He said it was a real blessing.


We got so much positive feedback in the short amount of time we were out there. Two ladies, Donna and Linda walked by us as we were passing out food. They then turned around and as we offered them food we started talking. They were so encouraged by our smiling faces and that we were out there serving them. These ladies were going through some tough times (I can't even imagine being homeless in a crime ridden area) and the girls on our team prayed for them. I could tell that their night was a little better because they saw God's love in action. We ran into a family with a baby girl and they were trying to find a place to sleep for the night (keep in mind it was about 11pm). We ran into people who asked for prayer and others who prayed for us. The longer we were out there the more comfortable I became, still watching out of course, and the more my heart grew for those on the streets.


We ran into a lot of brokenness, a lot of hurt, and a lot of hope. I could tell something inside of me had changed. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I now had a greater perspective, and a lot of my "assumptions" about the homeless were proven wrong by interactions with real people who I learned a lot from. I want to go back, and hopefully I can run into some of the same people I saw and maybe start to build some friendships. Now there are names to those on the streets and they are not something I can turn my head and ignore. I have a lot of growing to do in my faith, and I see this ministry as an opportunity to do so. Every other Friday City Ministries is out there, feeding and praying for downtrodden, the lost, and the hopeful, and I plan to join them as often as I can.

Done Living

Two Sundays ago at church really struck something inside of me. Justin McRoberts was a guest speaker (if you don't know he is a Christian music artist). His main message was to introduce Compassion International, a Christian charitable organization that sponsors children in impoverished nations. As part of his message he sang a few of his songs, one in particular stood out more than the others. It was titled 'Done Living'. The chorus of the song goes like this:

"You see the question isn't are you going to suffer any more, but what will it have meant when you are through? The question isn’t are you going to die, you’re going to die, but will you be done living when you do?”

The question really hit me; if I died tomorrow, would I be done living? Would people look back at my life and say that it was full, that it was not a wasted life. When I evaluate that question myself, I can't say that it would be. I have changed and grown so much over the past year and a half that it still continues to amaze me. Yet when I really sit down and dig deep and ask myself, 'am I living the full life, a life full of God, full of love, full of selflessness, full of joy; am I full?', I would not be able to say yes. There are definitely moments in my life where I live this out, but as a whole, I am not there. It's not so much a somber thought as it is an eye opening one. Where is my life right now, and where is it going? Why am I not living out life as it was meant to be? It's amazing how we as people tend to forget what God has brought us through and where He has brought us from, and focus on the insignificant current frustrations of life of the present.

I leave in two weeks to spend six days in the mountains at a high school camp, where my job is to portray the love of Christ to kids who have never known it, and to show them that the full life is the only life worth living.

I came into this world full of life, full of hope, full of dreams.

And slowly over the years I allowed the world to strip me of these things.

Every step taken, every success made, every worldly gain,

Brought me no more closer to joy or peace or rest, but instead diseased me with pain.

And when I could no longer contain inside myself all the anger, hurt, fear and doubt; when I no longer had the strength to cope,

God ripped it out of me, every last bit, till I thought I was dead and was left with no hope.

But in that place and through those times, the conclusion that I drew,

Is that He loves me more than I could imagine, and that He really does make all things new.

And I will continue to fight to hold on, to embrace God as my life, my hopes and my dreams, to continue to grow from that deep planted seed.

For I was created to be a light, an encouragement, a reflection, a friend; and when I get to the end I will say it with a smile, I have lived the full life, I am done living indeed.

Year 25 in reflection

Two days until I will have spent 26 years on this earth. I suppose the thing to do is reflect on this past year. I have to say it's been an amazing adventure. It started off with me in summer school after about four years of not taking classes. (Wow, that's a long time!) I was a year into working real estate at a condominium sales project in Fremont. I learned alot working in a business atmosphere, but mostly that I hated sales and business. After swearing off school for four years I decided to go back and do nursing. I quit my job, signed up for anatomy and started working at The Bridges as a server. And the craziest thing happened. I loved school. I had so much fun that summer, spending five days a week five hours a day in class, practice labs on the weekends, and studying for hours and hours during the week. I soaked up every bit of it and became more and more excited about school. After five weeks of intense anatomy, school got out and within days I was off to YL camp. A few days before camp I was told I would be a leader for a bunch of kids from Livermore (whom I had never met). I was a little nervous to be sure, but I went with it. The bus ride up was a little awckward but by the end of the first day at camp I had made some amazing connections with my small group and the other guys in my cabin. That week turned out to be a huge encouragement in my life. Its like part of me had been dead for years, a result of letting life beat me up, but I became fully alive then and there. Something in me switched on and I have never been the same since. That was one of the best summers of my life.

The school year went on and I continued to love it, make new friends, and push on through. An opportunity came up in January to go to Colorado--I was in and it was amazing! That trip set in me an undeniable desire to do a missions trip (I had never done anything like it before). A month or so later I learned about a trip to Hungary, and my life will never be the same because of it (seems like thats a constant theme in my life).

So here I am, two days away from my birthday, two and half weeks away from YL camp, and three and half weeks away from travelling the US by car with three good buddies. I have allowed my life to become more of an adventure and now I'm addicted. I have new dreams and desires and get excited every day about what's to come.

Everyone has those things in their life that makes their heart come alive, and I have begun to find what those things are for me. I used to think it was in physical adventure, pushing myself past boundaries and limits, hanging off cliffs, falling out of the skies; but those things never satisfied. It's when I'm around people that I come alive, it's when I get the opportunity to be who I am in situations I've never been in. The adventure is not what you're doing, its who you're doing it with. And so I get ready to begin another year of life, with no clue of where it's going to take me.

A chance to sit, a time to think

It's been awhile since I've sat and thought. Ever since late last month when I left with a team to travel to Hungary, I've been running, and running hard. Life seems to progress so slowly, yet fly by so fast. There is so much on my mind as I sit here; but there is not enough time in my busy (full) life to share it all. I think the most logical and interesting thing to share is my experiences in and with Hungary. So let's back it up to a few months before Hungary. I had just come out of the 'Year of Shaun' (see previous BLOGs) and was ready to experience life in a much fuller way than I had lived in the past. Before, I had passed up on so many opportunities, all for 'legitimate' reasons yet always feeling like I was missing out on something bigger. Although I filled my life with 'extremeness' and adventure, I was bored out of my mind. On the outside my life was anything but mundane--jumping out of airplanes, running face first down cliffs, pushing my body to the limits (and past the limits). But inside I was dying. And it took a huge disappointment in my life to make me realize that there was so much more...

So jumping ahead, because I had missed out on so much in the past, I was determined to go for it from then on-no matter how much money I didn't have or how much time wasn't available. An opportunity came to go to Colorado--I was in. If I had looked at the situation logically, I would have stayed home. December and January at work was painfully slow--but it didn't stop me. I think from then on I changed (if you haven't seen the Colorado video check it out on my Facebook or youtube under my name). I realized that life makes a whole lot more sense when you can get a bigger perspective on things and when you can experience more of God's creation. Long story less long, after Colorado I felt a strong desire to go on a missions trip out of the country. How? I had no idea. I still didn't have any money, there was nothing on the horizon, but the desire was there and it was strong. So amazingly enough the first time I heard about an opportunity to go to Hungary, I was in. I had no money, I was in school, but I was so in. It was like God planted a desire in my heart and let it sit there for a little while, and then He came to harvest that desire. It wasn't even a question in my heart; I wanted to go and if God provided a way, I was going.

The first hurdle was school. Although the trip took place on everyone elses' spring break, it was a week after mine. So I went around to all my teachers and one by one brought the idea up to them. I couldn't afford to suffer grade-wise since I was trying to get into nursing school. My chem teachers loved the idea and said they would work with me to make everything up. My sociology teacher said I would be fine. My nutrition teacher said no way--midterm was during that week, and she wouldn't let me make it up. So I kissed nutrition goodbye (probably why I still eat at Taco Bell and drink Rockstars!) Second hurdle was money--I had none. But I wouldn't let that get in my way. I had the deposit money so for $100 I secured myself a spot on the trip and committed to paying for a plane ticket. I knew that God would come through somehow, either with more work, donations, I didn't know how, but I knew. The first help came from a general donation to the trip; I got $250. Then a buddy, Matt Teres, called me and asked if I wanted to do some work for a lady in our church. I took up the offer and was paid an incredibly generous amount to do some moving for her. That earned me another few hundred which I tossed down on the trip. The last bit came in the day before the rest of the money was due, $650 from an anonymous donation. I was blown away! It was really amazing to see how God provided for me in so many different ways.

But, this is a BLOG about Hungary, so let's get on with it. (Unfortunately, like before, time is flying by fast right now and I just don't have enough of it. I'm juggling deciding which nursing school to go to, all the things I need to do, tests, work, friends, trying to learn all kinds of crazy languages...! What I'm trying to say is this story will be broken up into a few parts; and this part is finished.) Bonsoir, Buenas noches, Jó éjszakát, Good night :)

An adventure lived, A story to be told.

From across the world, A magnificence to behold.

For those beforehand whom I did not know,

Brought more to my life, and caused it to grow.

I stepped off these shores and God planted a seed.

So far away yet so close indeed.

And if Life to the Full was just a phrase,

My soul would not laugh, and my lips not give praise.

Hungary

I'll be in Hungary on an outreach missions trip until the 31st. Check out the trip blog which I will be updating as much as possible at www.vbcoutreach.blogspot.com

How to eat a fork

What happens when you cross a creative mind with a photographic genius? You get something like this. Here's how Friday went. Justin calls me up, "Hey do you have a meat cleaver?". I knew there was an adventure at hand. The project that needed to be completed was on utensils, and Justin needed some help. I came over and we started to take pictures with me holding the meat cleaver in one hand and a tiny fork in the other with an empty plate in the middle. It just wasn't working. After a few times trying different angles we gave the idea up and started thinking. How can you make utensils interesting? You could make a picture out of them, you could build something with them; all good ideas but nothing that really hit home. Then the idea came out of the recesses of my mind. I turned to Lynn, "Do you have any old silverware that you wouldn't mind getting ruined?". They both looked at me with inquisitive faces. "Why not cut up a bunch of utensils, put them on a plate, and make it look like something is going to eat it?" The idea was sold immediately and off we went into the garage to do what men love to do--destroy things! So for about a half hour we bent, sawed, and hammered all the silverware Lynn gave us, all the while with big smiles on our faces, and arranged them on to a plate. (And yes, there was a little bloodshed when a piece of a knife that Justin was breaking attacked him.) We then topped it off by making a place setting with a saw, a pair of pliers, and two wrenches. Think about it, if you're going to be eating silverware you got to have some heavy duty utensils to do it with. And there it was; an abstract idea using utensils that we were both pretty excited about. And even though I was supposed to be studying and writing all day, the hours I spent at Justin's were not a waste; it was another day of living life to the full.

Young Life Leader Retreat, February 1-3

Ephesians 5:14

“Awake you who sleep,
Arise from the dead,
And Christ will give you light.”

I sit here, in front of a raging fire, surrounded outside by snow as it falls so peacefully from the skies to cover everything beneath it. The sound of millions of snowflakes blanketing the earth over countless hours barely exists, yet its effect is extraordinary. I almost didn’t come here this weekend. I had good reasons—a shift at work that I couldn’t afford to miss, unable to go snowboarding with the rest of my team all day Saturday, and my heart slowly dying over the past week—so what was the point? Blinded by apathy, I resolved not to go. But something in me was torn. After our Thursday night team bible study, a small part of my soul was sparked. I wrestled with the idea and finally called a co-worker to cover my shift. I was in; I wasn’t going to miss out like so many years past.

So here I am. This morning, after everyone left for boarding, I sat by the fire, looking out onto more snow than I think I have ever seen, and was brought to tears, moved from the fact that I awoke this morning among friends I don’t deserve, that I could come here and sit in the stillness of God’s creation and be filled with peace, that anonymous people donated money so that I could miss work and instead be here, and from the constant realization that God continues to chase after my heart. And as I get ready to sit down for a meal with family, my heart is warmed, and I feel alive.

More than a winter wonderland...

I stand in the cold and my breath escapes me; not only from the thinness of the air and the freezing wind in my face, but more so from the amazing beauty that surrounds me. Snow covered mountains tower into the frozen skies as I stare in amazement of God's creation. I am in a place like I have never been before, surrounded by wonders I had only dreamed of in the past, and surrounded by incredible people whose very words bring a smile to my face and encourage even the last bits of worry out of my life. To be surrounded by genuine people who care about me and are more real than most in this world is a gift too great for my deserving. To sing out to God morning and night in worship and see His glory all around me brings tears my eyes and rest to my wearied soul. While I am nothing more than a speck of dust in a universe far too vast for my mind to comprehend, the God who created it all reaches down and places me here, now, with these people, and I am overcome by the thought. And while troubles were to be had, and sleep was a luxury I could not afford, I could think of no better way to spend these days surrounded by beauty, surrounded by love, and with a peace in my heart that I would never trade.

The year of Shaun

Psalm 50:15 "Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory."

Last year was the hardest, most ridiculous, and best year of my life. I had known there were things that were killing me inside but I didn’t want to confront them. Besides, I had gotten this far in life and seemed to be doing okay. But there was problem; I wasn’t all right. Slowly, over the years, I was dying. I felt less and less free and my heart became less and less alive. No matter what I did in life it didn’t help the emptiness I knew was there. Adventure after adventure added to my possession memories that would last a lifetime, but filled the emptiness for but a few brief moments at a time—nothing that would ever last. Yet I kept pushing through and progressing in “life” just thinking that soon my whole world would change and everything would be different, everything would be better. But the problem with that whole scenario is that I was doing nothing that would lead to such changes. Twenty four years and the pain kept building and building so much that it was getting harder to hide it from the world. I kept trying to fix the broken pieces by gluing them together with temporary solutions, and everything would fall apart once more. I knew that something drastic needed to happen. Something bigger than myself, something I wasn’t ready for. And so I cried out to God to fix whatever it was that was wrong, to do anything to make it better. And so my prayers were answered, in a way I never imagined, and at the time in a way that I would never have wished on myself. In a moment my heart was exposed, and everything that I had hid away in it surfaced. My whole world was rocked and everything I believed in and hoped for was instantly challenged. At the time I thought I had been defeated, but in reality I had been rescued, and was being brought into a life that was fuller than I could have ever imagined. When I was left stripped of everything I had tried to hold on to, I had only one hope, that God would turn it all around for good. Not only did that happen, but I realized that what I viewed as death at the time was actually one of the greatest gifts I had ever received.

How do you change a man, the way he thinks, the way he acts, the things he believes about himself? You break him down to nothing, and when he has nothing left, you build him back up the way he was created to be. You surround him with so much love he can’t help but to question the lies and doubts ingrained into his soul over the many years. From a broken pile of pain and doubts, God began to teach me about what really matters in life, about who I really was, and that He truly was there to catch my fall. Finding peace and comfort in pain is an experience unlike any other. To be broken and humbled before God is such an incredible feeling that makes it all worth it. And so my life today is a world away from my life a year ago. The year of Shaun has ended, and a new year begins. Living a different life and on a different path, only God knows where I’ll end up.

THE FULL LIFE

I have been a broken man for many years, never knowing it

I have spent a lifetime chasing after the wrong things for happiness, and had never caught it

I have lived with the fear and doubt from many lies engrained into my soul

I have been lost behind a cloud of anger and frustration so thick I could not see

I have been stripped of everything I thought I had, and believed I was left for dead

I have cried out to the God of the heavens and have been answered with a mighty roar

I have been surrounded by a love so great it broke down every last part of me

I have been brought to tears from indescribable joy

I have felt the peace that transcends all understanding

I have seen the impossible work of God in my life

I have been part of something so incredible I hardly believed it was happening

I have been blessed beyond anything I have ever deserved

I have lived the full life

Dashing through the snow

As Ryan and Davin picked up the thick sheet of ice from the top of the bear locker, a mischievous grin emerged from their faces. What someone else would see as just a slab of ice, they saw as an opportunity to live the full life, to embrace an ordinary circumstance and make it extraordinary. I'm not quite sure how we think of the things we think about, but we always come up with ideas to make life more interesting, for us and for those around us. I wasn't quite sure what to expect as I ran towards what seemed like an impenetrable icy barricade, but I knew we had a camera at hand and a chance to create a memory that would last through the years. As we rammed our bodies through the walls of ice and tumbled onto the snow beneath, there was a sense that life was now a little fuller than a few seconds ago, and the day had just begun.